Pregnancy After Infertility

Pregnancy after years of infertility is hard.

It's complicated in ways that I didn't expect. While lots of newly pregnant ladies are busy looking up bassinets and bonnets, I spend much more time researching potential issues and learning how to do injections. Financially, emotionally, physically... being pregnant after dealing with infertility is just different.

Granted, we've been very, very blessed with a healthy and easy pregnancy so far- I'm sure that many of my formerly infertile sisters could add many things to this list that I've been fortunate enough not to experience- but I've found that so far, the biggest differences are medical stuff, fear, jealousy, and guilt.

The Medical Issues

On the very most practical side, pregnancy after infertility can come with a host of medical concerns and issues.

In my case, I'd known that my body doesn't make certain hormones the way it's supposed to. It's part of why we have had such trouble conceiving, but it can and also cause lots of trouble in pregnancy. Thankfully, working with the Creighton Model System and being in touch with a practitioner meant that I was able to be tested right away to see how my levels were doing.

My progesterone levels are low, and my doctor has put me on progesterone injections to help support those hormone levels with the hope that my body will take over and start producing enough to go off the supplements.

It's not terrible, but my husband giving me an injection twice a week is just something else to stress about (and yet another expense) that most pregnant women don't encounter.

The Fear

There is nothing more terrifying than hope.

Seriously.

I honestly believed that once I saw a positive pregnancy test, I'd no longer be afraid to hope.

But the thing about infertility is that I became a part of a hurting community of sisters- sisters who share everything from their frightening diagnoses to the devastating loss of their children. I've known many who have suffered miscarriages at various stages of pregnancy, I know people who have had stillborn children. I know what could go wrong, and I know it well.

And the hope that those two little lines left me with was so tenuous and fragile- because a positive pregnancy test is not a guarantee. And it's pretty nearly impossible to be assured that everything is okay... and then even after a good, reassuring doctor's visit, it's hard to believe that everything is still okay. I so often wish for a window to see exactly what's going on inside of me, just so I can know that my little one is all right and my body is still doing what it's supposed to.

It's one of the reasons it's still hard for me to tell people I'm expecting. It's not that I'm not over the moon excited, it's just that I'm terrified that something will go wrong and I'll have to "take it back." I don't think I could handle that. I'm guarding my heart... and that's not necessarily a healthy thing.

It keeps me from feeling the joy fully and freely. I'm trying to take the example of the women in the Bible who suffered infertility and were eventually blessed with their little ones-- joy, praise, thanksgiving to God. Taking their example is helping me to move past the fear.

The Jealousy

Honestly, I kind of thought that my days of jealousy over pregnancy announcements was over once I saw those two pink lines, but nothing could be further from the truth. We were about six weeks pregnant when friends of ours announced their due date on social media, and I was surprised to feel my stomach drop to my toes like it has so many times before.

Why am I so envious? I wondered. We're pregnant, too!

But after four long years of infertility and expensive testing and hope being dashed over and over, it really hurt to see friends achieve pregnancy so easily and so quickly.

I was deep in the first trimester worries, too- and I couldn't help but wonder if they were as terrified of miscarriage as I was. And in all honesty, I simply assumed that they didn't need progesterone injections like I did, didn't freak out at every instance of spotting, and breezed through the first trimester without a care in the world.

How is it fair that some people have children so easily, when we struggled for so long?

I'm not sure the jealousy will ever fully go away... but it helps me to remember the big picture. Yes, infertility was a difficult cross to bear. But I know that everyone struggles with something. Everyone has a thorn in their side, even if it's shaped differently than mine.

The Guilt

I did not expect to feel guilty this side of infertility.

But oh, I do.

I know so many women- wonderful, brilliant, godly women- who are still waiting for their miracle. I know women who have turned their entire lives upside down with treatments or surgeries or strict diets.

And then here we are. We got pregnant without any significant intervention at all- I wasn't on any medication at all... in fact, I wasn't even taking vitamins. And somehow, it happened for us. And then there are the many who suffer years of infertility, get pregnant, and then find out that their miracle is no longer living, or there are problems with the pregnancy. Despite the fact that I'm holding my breath through every appointment fearing the worst, there have been no red flags for us, yet.

It's not fair.

I wish there was some sort of a formula we could all follow and all get the same results. I wish that the women who have loved on and supported me during my hard days were all pregnant right along with me. But that's just not the way things go, and I don't understand it. While I'm so happy for us, I'm terribly sad for so many of my dear friends and I feel bad that I'm pregnant and they're not.




Infertility doesn't just go away after a positive pregnancy test.

I'm not sure that my heart will truly ever be the same after more than four years of the struggle with fertility issues... but while I'm still affected by my experience with infertility, I can hope that some of the scars will continue to heal and make me a more sensitive, God-honoring person.

If you're one of my fellow formerly infertile sisters, what did you notice about pregnancy after infertility? 

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