Dear Friend,
Today, you posted a smiling picture of yourself- two actually, to compare your baby bump now with the way you looked twelve weeks ago.
I took a moment to look at that picture, to notice the sparkle in your eyes and hand on your growing belly, right over the little one being knit together inside of you. What a miracle.
And if I'm being completely honest, yes. I felt jealous. The kind of jealousy that makes me feel like I've been knocked in the stomach after playing Red Rover on the playground.
Because even though I'm working on finding the contentment in the moments now, even though I'm fighting hard to focus on my own path, I still think "When me, Lord?" in my confident moments, and "Ever me, Lord?" when I'm feeling less sure.
See, I don't know that I'll ever smile into a camera with my hand resting on a baby bump.
I know that God works incredible miracles every day, I know that I could live the next miracle. But I also know that God's ways aren't the same as my ways, and the miracle I'm waiting for may look much different than I expected.
Yes, there was pain in seeing that picture of you, friend- my heart aches just a little for the things that may never be in my life, for the plans that may never be, for the names that may never be spoken, for the family I may never have.
I hope you don't feel any guilt when I say that your announcement, that your celebration, hurt my heart a little. Pain is unavoidable, friend. It comes to us all. I know that you've lived your fair share of it, too, in ways that may be different than mine, but you know those feelings of disappointment and loss as well as I do.
So please, post those pictures to Facebook. Show the world your joy at bringing new life into your family, your excitement. Smile with a quiet, hopeful expectation.
My heart aches, right now, yes, but I'm aching because I know how immensely blessed you are. I'm sure you know that, too. Life is always good, always a gift.
And know that when I see those pictures, even though I hurt a little for myself and my circumstances right now, I treasure the fact that you've chosen to share a little bit of the little life inside of you... with me, your friend still waiting.
Hugs to you my friend! I suffered two miscarriages prior to the birth of our first. It is heartbreaking no matter what the circumstances. I'll pray for you, that you find peace in what God has planned!
ReplyDeleteI can't imagine losing a child to miscarriage- that would be so devastating. I think miscarriage is another thing that's actually (unfortunately) rather common, but is rarely discussed or shared. I'm glad that it's changing slowly and becoming a place where women can come together, help heal each other's hurts, and say, "Me, too."
DeleteThank you for your prayers!
Love this!!! We aren't trying, hubby doesn't want more, but I've longed for more for more children for a long time. The way body has been for a while now it's doubtful that even if we tried it would happen.
ReplyDeleteIt wouldn't let me finish my comment! Learning to be grateful for the 2 children I do have because I know others ache and long to have even 1. Hugs to you but know your not a lone in aching over pictures and announcements
ReplyDeleteI think the "learning to be grateful" thing is something that we all should work on (and something that can be so difficult!), no matter what stage or circumstance we're in. Thank you for stopping by!
DeleteThis is really great! I am also struggling with infertility, but lately I seem to just read an awful lot of posts of women in similar situations that seem to want to shame their friends for being happy. I love your approach!
ReplyDeleteI'll be completely honest- like I said in the post, announcements and bump pictures.. they hurt. But lashing out at a friend (or stranger) because of my own jealousy and pain? Not okay. It's not like she's getting pregnant AT me... you know?
DeletePraying for you during this hard time!
I hear you, friend. I am in this journey myself.
ReplyDeleteI'm sorry you're going through this... praying for you!
DeleteI have a three year old daughter who my husband and I had naturally, but now, we have been trying for two years and can't get pregnant. I am so frustrated and I too feel like I have been punched in the gut when I see pregnancy announcements on Facebook. We are seeing a fertility specialist in the next couple of weeks and I pray he will be able to solve this problem. I will pray that you get what you are waiting for as well. :)
ReplyDeleteOH this hits home oh so much! I just found you through the Peony Project. I am one of the 1 in 8... I know those feelings. I know the bittersweet feelings of yet another picture. Praying for you right now.
ReplyDeleteHey, Brandy! I've been following along with your blog, too-- also through the Peony Project! Thank you for your encouragement and prayers!
Delete